this has been a weird time in my life. one where the weights of expectations have been lifted off my shoulders. the weights that kept me from being who i really am. actually, "lifted" isn't the right word. in a way, "ripped off" is a more applicable term. because while i've been able to work towards my personal freedom this year, its often come from things being pulled away from me rather than me actively getting rid of them. and often, its been a painful process. christmas eve was no exception. my family has pretty much decided for me to completely cut them off entirely. they say its just the phone bill but, i know better. they say its love but, i know better.
this happened once already anyways. back in june i came out to my parents and surviving grandparent, and the results were bad. really bad. not long after it, my dad decided to take it upon himself to tell me that my financials were being cut off permanently, including those that he himself had no control over. but my mom said a few weeks later that he was bullshitting, and i got my phone back and kept my health insurance on her plan. i thought from that, that things with my mom at least would improve as time went on. but, they didn't. as the months went on with me becoming more and more uncomfortable with the idea of seeing my dad ever again, and none of my family reaching out to me for support or comfort, the pot was bound to boil over. and wouldn't you know it, it decides to boil over on christmas eve. talk about tough love, huh?
this is about as much detail as i feel comfy sharing. there's other shit that goes with it but the point is that most of my family made their decisions long before they even heard me speak out about myself. some of them were born with hate in their hearts, and nothing i say could change their ways. and in some sense, that lack of control has brought me a bit of comfort. i can't make decisions for everyone. i would prefer that they had just come to me with the expressed intent to learn and change their views. i would prefer that they try to level with me and understand my feelings and why i am who i am. i would prefer having a loving, unbroken family. but these things were laid out long before i even knew what being transgender was. this situation was going to happen no matter my input on the matter. i was meant to be who i am, and they were meant to be who they are. them cutting me off is truly my freedom. i no longer have to feel chained down to meet the expectations of people who never loved my true self to begin with. this is how it was meant to be.
i don't know where this takes me. i need more money now more than ever. i thankfully still have the phone i bought before they cut me off the first time, but now need to get on a phone plan. i have to figure out an insurance plan for my car and my health, so that i can continue my estrogen. they never explicitly stated those things would get cut off too, but i'm preparing for the worst. i need to get a job that won't kill me but will hopefully give me what i need to survive. survive is all i can do now. its hard, and will continue to be hard. but i've accomplished so much this year, 2024, that i sometimes get these feelings of invincibility. like that i could move mountains, or crush the earth with my fingers. i have so much power in my confidence and my will to go on. i never had these things before now. and while i don't want to take that power for granted, or let it go to my head, i cannot let it go to waste.
if you are reading this, you may be transgender yourself. you may be in a situation even more dire than mine. you may be stuck hiding yourself ina house you don't feel you belong in. you may not be transgender at all, and still relate to the feelings of struggling to be yourself, at the hands of abusive people. if any of this speaks to you, i just want to speak to you directly for a bit. i'm not a professional, and this sort of hurt doesn't come with an instructional manual to get yourself out of it. this shit sucks. this shit sucks more than most people are comfortable admitting to others. but you know exactly how hard it is. and i just want to say that, no action is done without a reaction. shit doesn't change until you do something about it. and yes, its hard to make change in a compromised situation. but one day, you will see a small window of opportunity. it may be a job, an opening at an apartment, a friend offering a hand, anything. take it. follow your heart. you only get these chances once, hardly twice in a lifetime. and a lifetime only lasts your whole life. don't spend it in situations when you see the opportunity come your way. its bleak now, and it may take a long time to come around. but you will see it, and you need to take it to save yourself. people do care, even in this fucked up world we live in. you can do this, and this stranger on the internet, in the form of this text you are reading now, believes in you. you define yourself, and fuck everyone else who thinks otherwise. be your change. be your strength. be your you. i love you.
but yeah, that's where i've been this holiday season. honestly what's made things feel better is seeing all the great things from friends of mine about their christmases this year. the thing about getting to the point i've reached is that jealousy doesn't cripple me like it once did. i'm able to actually feel happy for others in ways i couldn't before. and if you had a lovely christmas, you deserve it and i am so happy for you, genuinely. the holidays are for cheer and community, enjoy each holiday as much as you can. you never know when its your last. its corny, but even corn gets eaten eventually, doesn't it? love y'all. <3